Where’s My Libido? Exploring Sexual Desire… & Lack Thereof

Sexual Desire

No two people have the same sex drive. This may tinker with your image of what a compatible couple is, but it’s reality. Libido differs from person to person. It can differ for the same person when they’re intimate with different people. Of course, sex drive can wax and wane over the course of any relationship. Translation: Sexual desire can ebb and flow leading to mismatched desire in relationships.

That said, there are times when you find yourself wondering where your libido has gone. In such instances, there could be more happening than just mismatched sex drives. With all this in mind, let’s take a closer look at sexual desire or lack thereof.

What is Low Sexual Desire?

Again, there is no single barometer for this. Your partner may view you as sexually hyperactive. Meanwhile, another person would deem you to have below-average libido. Thus, it can only be measured in a relative sense. Do you feel yourself or your partner to be less interested in sex and intimacy than before? If the answer is yes, there is a discussion that needs to be had.

Possible Causes of Low Libido

Hormones (particularly for women during pregnancy, nursing, or menopause)

Consuming pornography


Erectile dysfunction

Lack of sexual fantasies

Pain during sex

Life is too busy and hectic


Going through grief or trauma in your life

Certain medications

Outside pressures not related to sex

Chronic illness or diagnosis

Conflict between partners

When a couple is in crisis, it can negatively impact both partners’ interest in being intimate. The conflict does not have to be about your sex life. Any type of emotional friction can dampen one’s sex drive.

Personal Steps to Take

Recognize that sex drives fluctuate: Don’t immediately catastrophize. Everyone goes through peaks and valleys.

Learn more about medications: If you’re currently taking prescription drugs, do some homework. If they have possible side effects connected to sex drive, talk with your doctor.

Practice self-care: Being overworked, overtired, and overwhelmed is not a recipe for romance. Take active steps to de-stress your life. For starters, safeguard your sleep, eating, and exercise habits.

Rule out any physical causes: Get a check-up to make sure there isn’t an underlying physical cause.

Working Together With Your Partner


The sexiest move you can make is to upgrade your communication. Interact with each other directly, frequently, face-to-face, and respectfully. Do not let intimacy concerns simmer and fester. Talk openly and commit as a team to create new approaches and solutions.


Prioritize your relationship. Plan date nights. Leave each other love notes. Put away your devices and connect as a couple—doing whatever you both enjoy doing. Address your relationship in a holistic way rather than solely focusing on sex.


The hotter the sex is, the more likely you are to want it. On one of those date nights, use your improved communication skills to talk openly about likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. Make foreplay the main course. Don’t make intimacy about one specific act. Instead, use it as a time to explore and evolve. People change as time passes, and it may be high time to catch up with each other about turn-ons and turn-offs.

What If You Still Feel Stuck?

You’ve ruled out a medical issue and tried all the techniques and suggestions above. Yet, you’re still asking: Where’s my libido? There’s a very good chance that you—and possibly your partner—are dealing with some emotional issues. Getting to the root of the problem is essential, and therapy is the ideal path to make that happen. Whether you start with individual counseling or attend together as a couple, a skilled and unbiased therapist can be indispensable. Connect with us today to get in touch with an experienced and caring therapist to help you navigate these issues.