It seems that lately, everyone has been talking about boundaries. While it’s an easy term to toss around, setting and maintaining boundaries isn’t always easy. Many of us grew up in households where boundaries weren’t respected or were unreasonable. Here are several tips for setting healthy boundaries in your relationship.
What is a Healthy Boundary?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where one person ends, and another begins. They are the physical, emotional, and mental limits of acceptable behavior within a relationship. However, a healthy boundary should not be an attempt to control another person.
Healthy boundaries help you preserve your identity, develop mutual trust and respect, and avoid toxic dynamics. If you and your partner can set, maintain, and communicate about boundaries throughout your relationship, you’ll only grow stronger together.
Tips for Setting Your Own Healthy Boundaries
- Know yourself
It’s impossible to set boundaries with others if you don’t even know what those boundaries are. Look back on your life. Were there times when someone crossed a line and made you uncomfortable? Did your past relationships end because of specific unwanted behaviours, manipulation tactics, or a lack of communication? Reflect on these moments and consider what matters most to you now. Then, you can translate that into what you expect from others in your relationships.
- Talk to your partner
Nobody can magically know your boundaries if you haven’t said them aloud. Don’t be afraid to have this conversation, especially early in a relationship. Lay your expectations on the table and encourage your partner to do the same. Talk about your values, your dreams for yourself and the relationship, and how you see your partner fitting in with them. You might even discuss the pitfalls you’ve had in the past and how you want to avoid them. Be as specific as possible in this conversation so your partner clearly knows where you stand and what you need from each other.
- Set Consequences
Part of setting boundaries means enforcing the consequences you laid out early on. For example, maybe you and your partner have completely different hobbies, which you enjoy and is part of your individual self-care or routine. Your hobbies are important to each of you. You both agreed to dedicate your time to your hobbies and not distract the other person. But lately, your partner has been asking you to do more chores or take on extra tasks, resulting in time away from the things you love to do. To enforce that boundary, you need to talk with your partner about how those extra asks made you feel. As a result, you may not want to agree to extra ongoing outside responsibilities unless you’ve had time to yourself. It’s important to remember to only set consequences you’ll actually enforce. Otherwise, they’re just unproductive, empty threats.
- Respect your partner’s boundaries
Expecting others to respect your boundaries is impossible if you can’t do them the same courtesy. This is easier said than done for some people, especially if they grew up in an environment where boundaries were consistently crossed. You might feel some negative emotions come up when your partner says “no.” Listen to them empathetically and try to understand where they’re coming from. Remember that you expect the same of them.
Are You Struggling with Boundaries?
Some people struggle with setting and maintaining their own boundaries, while others have trouble respecting others’ boundaries. If your relationships are suffering as a result, it might be time to talk to someone. Reach out to one of our skilled therapists at Onyx. In therapy, you can learn better ways of communicating with others, how to advocate for yourself, and how to create and enforce healthy boundaries.
To learn more about how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, please contact us for individual or relationship counselling.
