Accepting that grief has stages is a comforting thought. Losing a loved one is a jolting and disorienting experience. Hence, it can offer a hint of solace to envision the ensuing mourning period as having a structure. In a general sense, it does. But we’d all be better served if we didn’t expect grief to be linear. The stages usually arrive but not necessarily in order, and they have a tendency to come and go.
With all this in mind, every single one of us could benefit from a more nuanced perception of bereavement. Grief is something that all of us experience, yet we choose to leave it mostly unexamined.
The 5 Stages of Grief
The common stages known and discussed in books and articles are as follows:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
There are other models that include shock, pain, guilt, reconstruction, and hope — but you get the idea. The journey from denial to acceptance is a bumpy, winding road that may double back a few times. No GPS can discern a straight line, so you must buckle up and acknowledge that each person’s journey is unique. Someone or something you love is gone, and it’s wise not to expect this event to pass smoothly or structured.
Some Under-Discussed Realities of Grief
- You will feel misunderstood and alone — as if no one can comprehend what you’re experiencing.
- There’s no “right” way to grieve. You have to follow your heart but remain open to support. But remember that grief can become complicated and may eventually require professional help.
- Well-intentioned folks will stumble through platitudes and clichés in a desperate attempt to offer solace. Clumsy lines about how your loved one is no longer suffering can inspire you to do better when it comes to your turn to comfort those who mourn.
- Stages or no stages, grief can be triggered and re-triggered at any time. Events like birthdays and anniversaries can be particularly challenging.
- Do not withdraw from your social support system. Your loved ones can be indispensable as you bounce from one stage to another over and over.
- In the end, it’s most wise to cultivate a steady and self-loving respect for the formidable experience of grief. Do not suppress your emotions. Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel.
- Don’t expect clear signs of progress. Grief will stay with you, but fortunately, it will evolve into versions that are more manageable over time.
The Downside of Looking for Stages
The concept of stages creates expectations. When these unrealistic expectations are not met, the bereaved person is left to feel even worse. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just grieve like everyone else? When will I finally attain acceptance? Obviously, this is not productive. That’s why the stage of grief must — at most — be used as a very basic sketch of what you may experience.
The stages can also offer solace to anyone who feels odd that they’re so often angry or denying reality. When faced with the knowledge that most folks who suffer a loss go through something similar, there can be deep comfort in that realization. Translation: Neither ignore the stages of grief nor treat them like a blueprint.
So, How Does One Navigate a Season of Mourning?
Just as there is no one way to grieve, there is also no one way to resolve grief. A skilled therapist understands this reality and can be of immense help in a time of loss. The session room is where you can share openly and strive to better understand what you are feeling. If you are currently mourning and feeling confused about it, connect with our office and we can get you talking to a therapist who is specialized in working with grief and loss.
We invite you to schedule a free and confidential virtual consultation to find a good fit therapist for you.
