Every time you meet someone new — a friend, co-worker, neighbour, potential partner, etc. — your attachment style comes into play. Even when both of you feel an instant connection, it doesn’t mean all will go smoothly. This is because each of us learned what we know about attachments without even realizing it.
As infants and children, we fully rely on our parents and caretakers. How those caregivers interacted with you formed your foundational perception of attachment. We don’t realize it’s happening and lack the language to describe it. But if such caretakers are unpredictable or even abusive, attachment trauma becomes a possibility.
What Causes Attachment Trauma?
When a child’s parents are nurturing and reliable, that kid has an excellent chance of growing up to feel secure. However, some situations can create very different and very negative outcomes. This usually involves a home life in which:
- Abuse is present
- A child’s needs are not acknowledged or met
- Parents or caretakers are controlling and do not respect boundaries
- Negative factors like domestic violence, substance abuse, severe illnesses, etc. are present
- There is a traumatic loss in the form of death, divorce, incarceration, or disability
These are but a few examples, however, scenarios like this can enable dysfunctional patterns to become normalized. When young children are traumatized in chronic ways, they grow up without the crucial skills they need to thrive. What they’ve been conditioned to view as “normal” is, in reality, symptoms of attachment trauma.
Common Signs of Attachment Trauma in Adults
As with any trauma survivor, there is a strong likelihood that adults with attachment trauma will experience hyper-vigilance, intrusive thoughts, self-blame, people-pleasing, and an inability to manage stress. All of this adds up to common red flags like:
Controlling Behaviors
You may feel chronically out of control since there was no positive, reliable force during your childhood. A common but ultimately unhealthy coping mechanism for adults with attachment trauma is to become controlling or to seek control in areas where you can.
Relationship Problems
If your earliest relationships were not trustworthy, building sustainable connections later in life is tough. You might find yourself unable to maintain long-term relationships and friendships, especially if your view of the world and others is one that is coloured by a lack of trust or stability. Your negative experiences would have influenced these beliefs that the world and people in it are not safe.
Self-Sabotage and Self-Medication
Someone with attachment trauma didn’t feel safe as a child. On one level, you might expect them to choose the controlling behaviors mentioned above. However, this situation can lead some folks to repeat the behaviour of their caretakers. They end up making unsafe, risky choices for themselves.
An example of this might be self-medication. You feel anxious, unsure, and insecure. Thus, you lean on distractions or unhealthy coping mechanisms to calm yourself. From alcohol and drugs to internet porn or gambling, the goal is to numb the unexplained distress.
Unexplained Emotional and/or Physical Signs
These symptoms can range from mood swings and impulsivity to sleep disturbances and chronic body aches. If you and your doctor can’t find a cause for what you feel, the answers may be buried in your past.
Good News: You Can Change Your Attachment Style
The troubling lessons you internalized as a child don’t have to be permanent. When you connect with a trauma-informed therapist, you are laying the groundwork for recovery and healing. Working with a competent therapist can help:
- Identify and accept what happened in the past without blaming yourself
- Learn how to set healthy boundaries
- Enhance your communication skills
- Rebuild self-confidence
- Learn how to maintain meaningful, equitable relationships
Once you understand the unfair circumstances that influenced your beliefs, healing is within your reach. With help from a skilled professional, you can begin to feel safe and fulfilled as you move forward into a more enriching life.
At Onyx, we would like to support you on this journey. Reach out to our office, and our caring admins will help you navigate the process of booking and finding the right fit therapist for you.
