Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first wrote about the “five stages of grief”— denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance—in the 1960s. Since grief is a topic that is not discussed often enough, Kübler-Ross’s work was embraced as if carved in stone. However, this was not the intention.
Grieving is not linear—and it is not limited to just five stages. Kübler-Ross eventually added two more stages, but the real benefit of listing them here is understanding that everyone’s experience of loss is different. With that in mind, let’s briefly review the seven stages through an open-minded lens.
The 7 Stages of Grief
1) Shock
It’s a great myth that we can somehow “prepare” for a terrible loss. In reality, grief induces a version of shock in each of us. Most commonly, such shock appears in the form of numbness. We might appear detached. Others can remark on how strong we are. Meanwhile, we just can’t face reality yet.
2) Denial
If you’re not facing reality, denial can emerge as the shock wear off. This stage is not as simple as someone choosing to believe their loved one didn’t die or left. Instead, it’s a refusal to accept that they were once here and suddenly they are not. How is that possible? In the throes of denial, it’s not unusual to experience mental fogginess, loss of focus, and indecisiveness.
3) Anger
Anger during bereavement is normal. But it doesn’t feel normal, so folks often suppress it. You’ll need to develop some acceptance before you can move past angry thoughts like:
- Nobody understands what I’m going through.
- Why didn’t I do more?
- How could they die or leave me?
- Why didn’t I say what I wanted to say before it was too late?
4) Bargaining
Experiencing the death or loss of someone close to you can bring about intense feelings of vulnerability. Who will get sick or die next? Will it be me? This mindset can leave you susceptible to bargaining—with yourself, the universe, or whatever higher power you choose. You promise to be a better person if you and your loved ones are spared.
5) Depression
A devastating loss—and the emotions it inspires—can make anyone wonder why they even bother. In the short term, this is normal. As time passes, it may morph into depression. All the stages are important, but depression is when you need the most help.
6) Acceptance
Sooner or later, you will reach an equilibrium. You will accept what has happened and begin rooting your thoughts and actions in a more grounded way. But be warned. Acceptance is fluid. It’s not a destination, and you may slip in and out of this state for a while. Acceptance also doesn’t mean that you have moved on. We don’t just get over our losses. Instead, processing of our emotions needs to happen.
7) Processing
In theory, all of the above falls under the category of “processing.” But there will come a time when you can palpably feel that you’ve resolved much of the pain. This does not mean that the pain goes away when you think of that person. It means, that you have allowed yourself to feel the emotions and process them in a meaningful way. Sure, you may still waver in and out of some stages, but mostly, you have begun to heal somewhat.
There is No One Way to Grieve
Be patient with yourself, and do not hesitate to ask for help. In the meantime, get into a healthy habit of daily self-care. For example:
- Find ways to express yourself. Set small goals and take steps to achieve them.
- Make healthy eating choices.
- Maintain regular sleep patterns.
- Stay physically active.
- Practice relaxation techniques.
- Connect with others—friends, family, support groups, and a therapist.
On that last note, weekly or bi-weekly therapy sessions can serve as an anchor during these untethered times. Grief and its tenuous stages can be overwhelming. Meeting with an experienced professional is a proven way to find relief, peace, and hope.
If you have endured a recent loss, Our compassionate and experienced therapists at Onyx would love to help you work your way to the processing stage.
