At first glance, you may assume a “trauma bond” occurs when two or more people endure a crisis together. However, the term has a much different meaning. Have you ever had a relationship—romantic or otherwise—in which you always felt off-balance? The other person seemed to run hot and cold—but usually cold. The connection seems fixable until you realize it’s not.
This could be the beginning of a trauma bond. One person is abusive to the other. This treatment is interspersed with just enough positive reinforcement to offer hope. This cycle is the hook, and breaking free often requires outside help.
There’s a Wide Range of Trauma Bonding Connections
For the purposes of this post, the focus will be on romantic relationships. But, for context, here are just some of the other types of connections that may involve a trauma bonding dynamic:
– Kidnapping or human trafficking
– Being forced into prostitution
– Cults
– Military training
– Child abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, incest)
– Prisoners of war
– Elder abuse
Common Signs of Trauma Bonding
Phase I
– You meet someone, and things move far too quickly.
– You both express how close you feel despite barely knowing each other.
– Major life changes are made to accommodate this new connection.
– Such changes could include relocating, changing jobs or careers, dressing differently, and other sudden lifestyle adjustments.
– You drift away from friends and family.
– In some cases, you cut off your former social circle.
Phase II
– You feel dependent on that person.
– You believe no one else can do for you what they do.
– As the situation becomes more obvious to outsiders, you make excuses for the abuser and cover up the truth.
– You tell others that the abuse is your fault.
– You think about leaving but can’t bring yourself to try.
How Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
When a person is mistreated and abused, their stress reactions kick in. This fight-or-flight response releases stress hormones and puts them in a state of high alert. If one partner is abusing the other, the abused partner is not thinking of long-term solutions. They just want to feel safe right now. That’s when the manipulation starts.
The abuser suddenly plays the role of caretaker. They shift gears and comfort the abused partner—giving them the safety they crave. Their body now transitions into a new mode as “feel-good” chemicals are released. Within the trauma cycle, this actually deepens the victim’s connection with the abuser.
How to Break Free of a Trauma Bond
It can begin with some very small steps. The abusive situation you’re in can devastate your self-esteem. Therefore, it is essential that you begin to engage in positive self-talk and daily self-care. Rebuild your confidence and your resilience as you prepare for the big steps, e.g.:
Find Support Groups
It might be easier to do this online at first. But, whether it’s in-person or online, it is crucial that you connect with others who will validate your experiences. If you haven’t left the abuser yet, support groups can assist you in making that happen.
Reconnect with Your Support System
Even if you pushed them away before, get back in touch with those you can trust. Confide in them and ask them to help—especially if you need support in leaving your abuser.
Therapy
In this digital age, you can engage in therapy without leaving the house and risking a confrontation. If you’ve already left, counselling is necessary to help you parse out what’s happened to you.
Trauma bonding is a difficult and frightening scenario. If you need to talk in a safe and confidential setting, our compassionate and experienced therapists can support you. Let’s connect and get you the help you deserve.
