There are valid reasons why post-divorce co-parenting doesn’t happen. The presence of abuse, violence, or substance abuse are three examples. That aside, when couples with children split up, they must navigate the tricky process of joint custody. If both parents desire an active role in their children’s lives, they must cultivate a whole new set of skills together. This isn’t easy — considering they just separated and probably have some compatibility issues.
You both want the best for your children but may not agree on what that means or how to make it happen. This is not the time to “win” arguments; rather, it is time to come together for the greater good.
Why This Process is So Important
Your children’s well-being is literally hanging in the balance. They didn’t ask for this scenario and thus deserve both parents’ full commitment to:
- Being consistent
- Making sure the kids feel secure
- Finding ways to work with their ex in a mature, reliable manner
- Lead by example during difficult times
This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some steps you can take to avoid further problems.
A Few Tips for Managing Joint Custody and Home Transitions During Divorce:
Communication
Ironically, a lack of healthy communication may be why you got divorced in the first place. Well, guess what? An honest, open dialogue is now essential. You and your ex must commit to steady, face-to-face communication in the name of your children’s mental and physical well-being.
Choose Respect
The time for fighting with your ex about your marriage is over. If you have gripes, talk to friends, family members, or your therapist. Right now, your children need both of you to be civil and responsible. In doing so, you make everyone’s life easier, and you become a role model for your kids on how to handle tough times.
Respect Means Discretion
If you have beef with your ex, never use your children to express it. They are not pawns in a silly game. They should never be withheld from your ex in the name of revenge. Also, your children are not here to pass messages back and forth. If you have something to say to your ex, do it yourself and resist the urge to settle the score with your kids as the audience or judges. Set, enforce, and respect boundaries.
Stay Organized
You’re not married anymore, so use this fact to keep things as clinical as they need to be. Each child has a schedule, and their lives are important. Meanwhile, both you and your ex have busy lives and will move on. This means the two of you need to be hyper-organized for the benefit of your shared children.
Stay Flexible
Almost certainly, one parent will see less of the children. This can cause stress when it comes to making plans. The parent who doesn’t live with the kids may have a desire to go over the top with activities. It’s understandable but children need to have a say, and they also require support when doing mundane things. Studies show that children do well when their parents help them with homework or ask them to help with errands and chores.
Never Forget That the Children Are the Priority
This doesn’t mean you should neglect yourself, but it definitely means that you must get used to some compromising.
Whether you attend alone or with your ex, therapy is a proven option when dealing with uncharted territory. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. At Onyx, we invite you to reach out and learn more so you can handle the new and complicated circumstances in your life. Our therapists have worked with many couples navigating divorce or separation, and wanting to establish better communication, boundaries, and caregiving roles. Reach out to our office today, we are here to support you through this trying time.
