Helping couples thrive is a practice that’s been around for as long as there have been couples. Some advice is more enduring than others, of course. For example, John Gottman has been researching and guiding couples for a half-century. His work is widely known and respected. For some, it’s become a roadmap of sorts for finding our way back to the strongest possible connection.
A major part of Gottman Couples Therapy involves seven key principles. As he created these principles, Gottman was able to predict — with astonishing accuracy — which couples would fail or succeed in their relationship. The concepts discussed below build on each other to build an intersectional foundation of trust and communication know as a “sound relationship house”. Let’s take a closer look.
The 7 Key Principles of Gottman Couples Therapy
1) Love Maps
How familiar are you with your partner? This goes beyond favorite color or meal. Each of us has a rich, complex inner life which can evolve and change over time. Desiring to comprehend as much as you can about that inner life, across the years, creates a love map. This map is not a one-time project. It’s an ongoing upload of each other’s hopes, worries, dreams, and so much more. It’s letting each other know you want to understand and know more about them. When both partners commit to this task, the fulfillment and validation is mutual. Love maps are your guide to your partner feeling “seen” and valued.
2) Nurture Fondness and Admiration
Couples who have split up often talk about respect being lost somewhere along the way. This is a death knell for a relationship. Mutual respect is a non-negotiable ingredient for a healthy relationship. Be enthusiastic about your love and appreciation. Be generous with compliments and support. Never allow each other ever to doubt how much respect is happening!
3) Turn Toward Each Other
When partners seek support, love, affection, attention, and more from one another, Gottman calls this a “bid.” In such moments, turn toward your partner. Recognize and meet their bid and be ever more present in their life. Make it crystal clear that you are there for each other — especially during the tough times. Bids for affection are commonly missed due to distraction, busyness, and lack of presence. Yet, they are essential in any relationship.
4) Let Your Partner Influence You
Marriage is not a competition, a mentorship, or an imbalanced dynamic. True partnerships create a safe space where one can influence and inform the other and vice-versa. It takes immense trust to be vulnerable enough to give someone influence over you. That trust will also guide you well when you disagree. Both partners are heard and validated even when they see things differently.
5) Solve Your Solvable Problems
As you are probably starting to see, each of the above principles makes the next one more doable. What’s been stated so far helps you decide together which of your problems are solvable and which are perpetual. Some suggestions for solving the solvable:
– Lean on the respect discussed in #2 above to stay calm and soft.
– Refer to your love maps to discover methods to make attempts to repair a situation and be receptive to your partner’s repair attempts.
– Never lose sight of who you are talking with. If you feel negative energy rising, agree to take a break to regroup and calm yourselves.
– Reject black-and-white thinking. The solution will involve compromise, so work from that knowledge.
– Never forget that neither of you is perfect, and there’s nothing productive about applying that expectation.
6) Overcome Gridlock
When you face a problem for which a productive resolution feels impossible, try:
– Looking for the root causes of a problem
– Stay committed to calm, healthy communication
– Clearly define and express your boundaries and flexibility
– Aim to end the discussion in a place of appreciation and gratitude
7) Create Shared Meaning Together
Blend small gestures with large gestures to give your life daily meaning. Keep seeking opportunities to create and share memories.
If any or all of this sounds ideal, our couples’ therapists would love to talk more with you about it. Reach out today to see find out more about couples therapy.
