Generally speaking, the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) fall into two categories. There is inattentiveness. This often manifests in a lack of concentration. Secondly, you have hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Of course, some folks with ADHD struggle with both types of symptoms. It doesn’t take much to understand how traits like impulsiveness, hyperactivity, and inattentiveness can be challenging in any setting.
When it comes to relationships, unchecked or undiagnosed ADHD can provoke plenty of strain. So many of the hallmark signs (forgetfulness, mood swings, impatience, and more) are often misinterpreted. The non-ADHD partner can be left feeling hurt and confused—and eventually, angry.
ADHD Symptoms
Let’s list some of the major ADHD behaviors to provide context before we get to the potential effects on relationships.
– Often misplacing or losing things
– Starting new tasks before finishing old ones
– Easily agitated
– Non-stop talking
– Interrupting
– An inability to organize, plan, or prioritize
– Constantly distracted
– A seeming lack of attention to important issues or tasks
– Low tolerance for stress
There’s more, but hopefully you get the idea.
5 Ways ADHD Affects Relationship
1) Intensity
It begins during dating. Someone with ADHD love bombs their partner right off the bat. Non-stop attention becomes the norm. When this hyper-focus inevitably eases, it can be quite disconcerting for the other partner. A beginning like this can set up patterns of mistrust, confusion, and doubt, e.g., Have they changed their mind about me? Was it something I said or did? Why are they playing with my emotions?
2) Tiptoeing
If the partner with ADHD is not getting treated and/or is not doing the work, they are prone to tantrums of anger and rudeness. Over time, this leaves the non-ADHD partner walking on eggshells. Even the most benign conversations seem fraught with possible conflict and confrontation. Obviously, this is not sustainable.
3) Feeling Like a Parent or Child
You are romantic partners and lovers but are mired in an odd pattern of interacting. When one partner is neurotypical, they may have to step up and carry an extra load because they cannot rely on their spouse. For example, carrying the mental load of organizing and managing finances, schedules, lists, etc. They tend to assume a parent-like demeanor, while it can feel like the other partner, who struggles with ADHD, have assumed the child’s role. Deemed irresponsible, this perception can be a self-fulfilling prophecy with a strong undercurrent of resentment. Obviously, this is an extremely unhealthy dynamic.
4) Division of Labor
Related to #3 above, this issue relates to one partner getting sick and tired of having to do the lion’s share of, well… everything. A relationship is a responsibility-laden partnership. When one part of that partnership struggles —even if it’s due to a mental issue—things begin to simmer. Combine that with the ADHD partner’s possible mood variability, things can go downhill fast.
5) Blame Game
Following right along from #3 and #4, we have the blame game. You’re both unhappy, and there may not seem to be a way to fix things. One of you points the accusing finger of blame, and things spiral from there. The onus is on both of you to put yourself in the other’s shoes and try comprehending how it feels. Unless you can both practice consistent empathy, the discomfort will rise.
Now What?
This is more than two angry people can handle alone. Ask for help. It’s time to talk to a skilled therapist and begin the process of healing and repairing. You may choose individual or couples counselling, but both of you need to commit. They are skills you can learn and new behaviours to be tried. The first giant steps are accepting the need for guidance and then pledging together to find new approaches. ADHD does mean the end of a relationship, but it can push couples to find new ways to cope and adapt to each other if they are willing to learn and change.
