6 Reasons Grief Comes in Waves
Everyone grieves in their life. Loss is inevitable; therefore, the emotional reaction to loss is equally as unavoidable. In the meantime, we each experience grief differently. Generally speaking, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. However, it makes a whole lot of sense to brace yourself for a whole lot of waves.
Just because there are accepted stages of grief doesn’t mean things happen in a linear fashion. Emotions are messy and unpredictable. They come and go. They vary in size and intensity. One minute, you’re able to ride them out. In a flash, you’re knocked down, wondering what hit you. Waves will do that to you.
1. Grief is Under-Explored and Under-Discussed
Grief is a universal human experience. However, people are not always comfortable talking about or supporting others through their grief process. We may have learned that it was not polite to bring up in conversations. We tend to want to fix things or make them better for others and it can be uncomfortable for people to sit with the sadness and grief that others are experiencing. This reality sets us back when it comes to our ability to process a loss. I’m not saying anyone can fully prepare for bereavement, but it would sure help if we talked more openly about loss, death, and grieving.
2. It’s Messy
I’ve used the word “messy” twice already because it works in this context. Losing someone can be complex. Depending on your relationship with the person who dies and the specifics of the death, the messiness can gain momentum. If someone asks you how you’re doing, your answer will likely vary from day to day—probably from hour to hour. For example:
• You feel you can never be happy again. Then someone tells a joke, and you find yourself laughing.
• Isolation feels like the right choice, but you also choose to return to work because you need the “distraction.”
• This morning, you felt numb and detached. By mid-afternoon, you’re feeling every emotion at the same time.
3. Messy is Overwhelming
Resolving grief is a tall order for your brain. Even if you’ve gone through it before, each experience of loss is unique… and exhausting. Grief comes in waves partly because you can only handle so much at a time. You must rest and recover as best you can, trusting that you can be braced for the next wave. It is okay and normal to be overwhelmed. But it’s also okay to ask for support.
4. Triggers
Just when you think you’re doing some version of “moving on,” you may catch sight of someone who walks or talks like the person that passed. It could be a person who wears the same cologne. Maybe you cross paths with an individual wearing the same exact coat your loved one used to wear. The potential triggers are everywhere. All can be going smoothly for a while, and then boom! It again feels as if the death just happened.
5. A Big Adjustment
You loved someone, and now they’re gone. In terms of adjustments, does it get any bigger than this? Since I just talked about triggers, how about holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries? Will they ever feel bearable again? You want to ask everyone these questions. You want to talk about this tricky topic all the time. But, as mentioned up top, it makes most people uncomfortable.
6. Acceptance Can Be Fleeting
The waves exist because you simply and understandably don’t want to accept this new reality. For a while, even if you do accept the loss, you still try to pretend it didn’t happen. Only with time, supports, and some professional guidance can you reach a point where you can accept the loss and focus on your recovery.
You Need an Emotional Lifeguard
The waves can be more than you can handle at times. This is why so many people choose therapy. Your counsellor is there to help you stay above water and then regain your balance. At Onyx, we are here to support you if you need it.
